'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
operation have a gay friend backfired
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
