I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
