how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
