I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
