Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
