don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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