And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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