Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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