Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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