saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't deserve a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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