It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You are a genius and a whore.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
