I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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