I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
