I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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