you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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