I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
