I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
