I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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