At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
