Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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