Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
