Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
