how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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