Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
