I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
