I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
