And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
