Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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