be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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