I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the day after is always just damage control
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
