You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
