my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
