Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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