As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
