So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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