Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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