Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
