We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
