Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
