I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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