a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
