I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
