dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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