you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
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