Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
