we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
