mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I need to calm my uterus...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
