this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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