my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
