she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
