I need to stop coming to work sober
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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