Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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