Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
