So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
