It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
