She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think your dad took our porno
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
soo... how was my night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
