Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
