Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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